Start Something...

I used to think that I wasn't creative.  I had an understanding of what was "artistic," and I could never quite get it from my brain, through my hands, and out on paper/clay/etc., so I kind of gave up trying for awhile. 

But the thing is, creativity is unique. My brain hoards so many expectations of me... they lurk around, oozing lies and breeding discontent. But here's the truth: My brain, heart, spirit, and hands meld together to express me uniquely. I am made in the image of the most creative Being in the universe! Which means I am creative. :) I can choose to embrace that and explore it, or I can continue to let expectations and fears choke it out. 

It might look different than I expect, but am I going to choose to let it be awesome in its own right, or compare it to some unrealistic, "not-me" standard?

I've gotta start somewhere... let it out and see what happens. 

There are so. many. ways. to be creative, but I decided to start with watercolor painting.

Where will you start? :)

Bricks

"...Then I realized there were so many little bricks. And I wanted to count them... There was this beautiful spiral stairway made from those small bricks, and whoever I was with was counting them with me... she was counting millions, then billions, then this number I hadn't ever heard of, and we hadn't reached the bottom... (Bricks: solidity, endurance; something in your life that is meant to last). Counting my bricks = Standing on God's promises..." - Journal Entry, Nov. 5, 2013

""The sun shall no more be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give you light; but the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory (beauty). Your sun shall no more go down, nor your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended." Isaiah 60:19-20... I no longer have to put my trust in the things I can see, the things I've come to trust for guidance (my instincts, what I've learned) because You [God] are above all that and greater than all of that." - Journal Entry, Jan. 6, 2014

I know a lot of people who never remember their dreams, or just have really crazy, I-ate-pizza-too-close-to-bedtime dreams. I am definitely not one of those people. :)

I dream really frequently, and I almost always remember them in detail. And I always know if they're just funny dreams because my brain is full, or if they're more than that. 
Sometimes when I'm really struggling with something and asking God for clarity, that clarity comes in dreams.

In this season, I had started to put my focus on what I saw happening around me in the moment... and I was getting really frustrated. It's uncomfortable.... hoping for something that you absolutely cannot see. Trying to wrestle through what in the heck I am supposed to do with what I feel like God has said to me, this hope that's sprouting in my heart, and my circumstances... which seem to be completely at odds with the former two.

This dream came at the perfect time! Stopping to think about the solidity of Who God is... Realizing that those bricks were all the little (and big) moments in which God had been faithful to me, and maybe I need to stop and count them more often.  :)

October Newsletter!

What are you thinking about?

My heart is so quick to run to worry...
I think I'm protecting myself by having my guard up, keeping my eyes wide open, looking out for the next potential disaster.
If I know it's coming, I can prepare myself and be okay... right?

Except...
If I'm always looking for disaster, I'll definitely find it.
Or I'll create more disaster by trying to avoid it.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things..." (Phil. 4:8)

Not one of those attributes points to fear or worry.

"Here's my heart, Lord...
                 Speak what is true."

Dancing

"I know that you [God] are teaching me to have hope in waiting… not to become bitter or cynical or to give up. But to overcome my feelings and insecurities, trust You, and continue to be faith-filled by every word from You. To trust that You’ve gone before and made a way…” – Journal Entry, Oct. 29, 2013

“To You, oh Lord I lift my soul. God in Whom I trust, let me not be ashamed. No one who waits for the Lord will ever be put to shame…” – “You Are My Hope” by Cory Asbury

“Dancing on the enemy’s plans… not a vicious thing or a harsh/fighting thing. But a light, free, graceful thing. Dancing above that which seeks my ill. Unaffected, unhindered… airy, light, delicate. Full of hope, knowing my Victorious Warrior.” – Journal Entry, Nov. 4, 2013

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~    ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~


Hope is such a weird thing. It's the strange tension between knowing something will/could happen and being so excited about it, but not seeing it right now...

I think for most of my life, I've been afraid of hope. It's too messy... too uncertain. I much prefer to work with facts, schedules, plans, certainties...
And I'm sure that all of us have hoped for something with such confidence, and been really disappointed.
So, if I never hope, I'll never be disappointed... right?

But if I never hope, I'll never really live.
Hope is what keeps our hearts alive...

So in this season of my life, I realized this hope (completely unbidden) was fighting its way into my heart... And I was thinking, "God! I don't want to hope for that. If you want to give that to me, fine. But I'm not going to hope for it."

"....why not? Do you trust me?"

God had been speaking to me about this specific thing for years before this, and I had been disappointed, confused, frustrated, and tired with the whole thing at that point...
Feeling like maybe I missed it, or maybe I was wrong.
And I thought that maybe I could keep myself safe from further disappointment if I just pushed hope out of my heart. 

And one day I realized I was completely cynical and still struggling with trusting God or other people. And it's all intertwined.... When I decided to choke hope out in yet another area, I was deadening and callousing the part of my heart that knows I can have hope because of Who God is. The part that can be childlike, trusting, full of wonder... because hope is seeing beyond current circumstances.
It requires bursting imagination and pliable trust.
It's the part that opens to see other people for what they could be: children of God, walking in wholeness and loving God.
And if I didn't choose to nurture this stubborn hope, did I really trust God?

And I was really struggling, feeling burdened at the thought of carrying around this hope, knowing I was opening my heart for possible disappointment. But as I was praying, this picture came into my mind... I was dancing. Under my feet were these nasty creatures, trying to pull at me and grab my feet, but there was an invisible shield under me. And I was dancing like I had no idea they were there... not a worry in the world. The whole time, my gaze was fixed upward. I had this rush of emotion at that point. I just felt so safe and warm, completely cared for and secure.
I knew that God was fighting on my behalf, and I had no reason to worry or be burdened.

I was free to hope, because I knew Who was keeping my feet from harm.

Hope

I love love love the end of an old year and the beginning of a new one. Feels like an accomplishment somehow... Closure, with new possibilities and opportunities coming soon. 

I usually try to spend some time toward the end of the year digging thru my journal and remembering (in thorough detail...) what the year encompassed, what I've learned, and marveling at how my perspective has changed. 

This past year (well, 18 months...) God and I talked a lot about fear and hope. I felt like God had already done a lot in my heart to remove cynicism, fear, and deep hurts I held... and then He started to show me that there are still so many areas in my life that I feel hopeless, and I've allowed fear to rule my decisions, thoughts, and motives. 

It's almost like in a garden... There are certain plants that just take over. My mom had tiger lilies that just went crazy one summer and started choking out the rest of the plants in her gardens. I remember seeing her trim them back, even to the point of leaving just a few plants, but they always grew back with ferocity. It wasn't until she took out all of the plants and uprooted the bulbs that the rest of the garden was able to grow in, healthy and full. 

Fear works a lot like those tiger lilies. When God and I took a good hard look at my life and my heart, I began to realize there was this whole underground mess of tangled "Fear roots"... I had only ever noticed it when something would poke thru to the surface in different areas, but the truth was that I had allowed fear to sneak in and stealthily influence so much of my life!! 

It's actually kind of funny how shocked I was, realizing that. I don't generally think of myself as a fearful person... I speak my mind most of the time, I don't shy away from public speaking, I enjoy people (most of the time)... 

But the thing about deception is that it's sneaky. If it was obvious, it wouldn't be a problem. (Duh! right? haha...). 

And so began (and still continues) some serious gardening... :)

So! To begin this year, I will be reviewing snippets from the past 18 months or so. Combing thru my journal has been such a powerful time of remembering for me, and I'm hoping that it'll be somewhat of a window into my life (for friends/family/etc. who are far away). I've also been learning the beauty, freedom, and strength to be found in being transparent. We're all living life trying to figure out how to love and be loved, and, while I'm not even close to having everything figured out, I am learning so much along the way that I'm excited to share! :)

And who knows!? Maybe this will be the beginning of consistent blogging from yours truly... :) It's worth a shot! 

September Newsletter

Sorry, for the delay! Technical difficulties... :)

Here's my most recent newsletter! Enjoy :)

I'm currently working on a letter about my newest endeavor, so stay tuned! :)

I'll Be Home For Christmas...

Hello Friends!

I am so thankful to be writing this post from beautiful, winter-laced Michigan :)

It has been fun and refreshing to be at home with some of my favorite people! We've played games, watched movies, celebrated birthdays, and laughed at/with each other.... quite a bit. I love my family :)

Today, I had lunch with a wonderful friend from church. I always feel so honored when people take time from their lives to ask about mine... I think getting to share life with people is such a beautiful privilege. :) I was so encouraged to hear more of her story and laugh together about the things God has taught each of us and brought each of us through. I really appreciate her heart. :) 

I also went on a beautiful, freezing walk with my dad and sister... Wanna see? :)

It was beautiful. :)

Praying y'all are enjoying this Christmas holiday as much as I am!  Blessings! :)

Justine

Mulching (an old entry I forgot to post... In October)

Last Saturday, we mulched.
In semi-monsoon conditions. :)

We are really enjoying our time in Minnesota!
This past week, we have been in Cloquet, MN working with a really awesome church, and with Volunteer Services in the area.

<font face="Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif">Fall Tour Update</font>

Hello Lovely People!

Greetings from Holdingford, MN!

We are staying at a sweet church, working with some genuinely-awesome people...

This week, we will be helping them rake and mulch around the church, and build a retaining wall. 

Also planning on bowling and catching fish to fry for dinner! Should be awesome :)

We have been so blessed on this trip so far... 

Our first stop was with a lovely family in OK... super huge family farm, but their hearts and hospitality were bigger. The family was super sweet and fed us well. :)

We stayed one night, then headed to Rapid City, SD!

Cedar Canyon Camp let us stay in one of their really nice cabins, in exchange for painting the ceilings in 16 of their cabin rooms in the mornings.

In the afternoons and evenings, we worked with He Sapa New Life Church, reaching out to the Native American. The pastors have a huge heart for the Natives, and it was really encouraging to hear the ways God has given them favor in their ministry. They purchased their adorable church building and property for $1, they reach 4,000+ people through their DVD ministry (by recording their Sunday services and sending them out to Natives on the surrounding reservations), and they have a gift for contextualizing the Gospel message for their people. Please be praying for He Sapa New Life, that God would continue to send people to encourage and strengthen their ministry! :)

Next stop: Sioux Falls, SD! We had the privilege of staying for a few days with my friend Ryan and his family... they were super kind and hospitable to us! We got to hang out with the Shalom CRC Youth for a night, which was awesome. We felt it was especially important to encourage them that their testimonies were super valuable, and that they had the freedom to be real about their struggles. Please pray for these students, that they would continue to walk in the light and appreciate the privilege of growing up in the church and in Christian education. :)

We spent one night in Minneapolis with our friend Josh (who did schools with me)... it was good to see him and hang out downtown. :) Please pray that God would continue to encourage Josh daily and surround him with people who would encourage him, too. 

Tonight: Kelsey came to visit! It's been so encouraging to meet YWAMers in our travels, and we love Kelsey. :) Super thankful for her. 

Super thankful for the 8.5 hours of sleep I'm about to devour. :D

Goodnight! :)

Back to the blog...

Sheesh...

I have been putting off blogging because I keep thinking "that's great! I need to blog that later..." And then I get busy and three different things stack up....and then I forget. Haha.

No excuse. :)

Anyway... I had the opportunity to come home this week! My family planned a memorial service to celebrate my grandpa's life, and because of some miscommunication, it was three weeks out and I still hadn't purchased a plane ticket! I started looking online, and they were ridiculously more than I was looking to spend. But I felt a strange peace about not buying one then. A week before I was supposed to be going home, I was coleading an outreach in Chicago, and realized my neighbors from MI were driving to Chicago at the very end of our outreach. They were more than happy to bring me back with them! So I looked again for plane tickets and miraculously found a reasonable one-way ticket into a small city near where I'm at in TX, which was abnormally cheaper than flying into the larger airport that's farther away! God is so good to me! :)

Coming home was super cheap, and it's been so refreshing and wonderful!

Because of the holiday weekend and the memorial service, I have been blessed with exquisite company this past week... Most of my dad's side of the family came, and some of my mom's cousins were up to visit, too!

Here are some picture snippets:

Because I went straight home from outreach in Chicago, I only had outreach clothes with me! You know what that means.... Shopping!! :)

I spent a lot of time admiring and enjoying how beautiful our house is! My mom does a wonderful job of making this space beautiful... 

I also enjoyed the significantly cooler weather and small town culture by taking walks and eating lots of ice cream :)

Tiny superman, complete with cape :)

Hanging out with my crazy family, of course!

My awesome "little" bro was center snare for the marching band in the parade!

And I was reminded again of God's promises. He always gives really good perspective. :)

I am quite thankful for this little visit home. :)

Stine

Home Coming.. *warning, it's a long one*

Hello Friends!

I'm back in the good old US of A. Glad to be sleeping in my own bed, making my own breakfast, drinking milk, driving my car, understanding street signs, breathing fresh air...

It's good to be home. :)

This may have been the most challenging trip I've been on so far, but not for the normal "outreach" reasons (comfort, relational issues, etc.). I think this past year, God has been stretching me and teaching me not to idolize my own comfort... which has been awesome and terrible. I'm still learning so much about sacrifice, but it's funny how kind God is... He teaches us a little at a time. Lately, comfort has not been my focus. I've been learning about living from the heart and relying on His grace. I want to speak a little into living from the heart.

I used to read passages like Galatians 5 (the fruit of the Spirit) and think, "I need to work on being loving/joyful/peaceful/patient/kind/good/gentle/faithful/self-controlled." And I would pick one thing to work on for that week, another to work on for the next week, etc.

And I couldn't stay consistent with any of them!!

Talk about insanity.

So during the first SST camp in South Korea, I was drawn to Galatians 5.
Verse 1: "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
Enter Holy Spirit revelation [<<<<This is my favorite part about reading the Bible!!!!!]:
Jesus already did everything that was necessary for me to live in freedom. It is finished!
My responsibility is to *decide* to walk in that victory. It's my job to protect that victory. It's my choice to dance in the light of that victory or to stay in my closet of fear.

Enter my dilemma:
If the beginning of this chapter says Jesus set me free for freedom, then what am I to do with the rest of the chapter?
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
Remember, I've tried to be diligent in all of these things and failed miserably. I've worked and stressed myself out and tried and failed to maintain each of these... feeling very burdened.
That doesn't sound like freedom...

However!!!

In between, we read about being led by the Spirit.
The next word to jump out at me was "fruit."

Enter the epiphany:
Fruit is something that grows.

TAADAAAA!!!!  genius, right? ;)

Fruit is not something that we can just ask for and receive. It's not something we can work at. It's not something someone else can give us.

The fruit that comes from our lives:
- Comes from within: It's the internal (good or bad) coming out for everyone to see. It's an external representation of the internal reality. Basically, exposes what's inside.
- Takes time: Fruit doesn't grow overnight.

Enter the application to my life:
I have been trying to fix all of these things EXTERNALLY. I have been trying to "manipulate" fruit/create fruit without dealing with my heart. Fruit naturally comes from within, so I should be more worried about the INTERNAL - my heart - if I want to see the external change for longer than a few days.

So that's a lot less stressful. Living from the inside out, instead of constantly trying to fix the outside.

Enter the conclusion:
All this to say, I am not perfect, but I am okay with that. I don't plan to sit on imperfection; neither do I plan to stress myself out trying to look like I have it all together.
I don't think God's plan for our lives is that we would look like we have it all together when we don't.

So I am in a process, but I am at rest in that process. And I'm really thankful to finally be at rest. :)

Oh Korea!

Hello friends!

I'm writing this from a really neat cafe in Yong-In, South Korea!

"Caffe D'ate: Roasting Coffee and Dessert"

Artsy-retro decor

Anyway, it's a super cute place. EVERYTHING in Korea is really cute. Appearance is very important here: people, gifts, packaging, architecture, decor, etc.  

This has been such an example to me of how giftings from God are so wonderful when they are redeemed and properly understood, and so devastating when they aren't. 

Koreans have a gift for making things beautiful and welcoming and perfect. Even their take-out food is wrapped beautifully... almost to the point where I don't want to eat the food and destroy the wrapping.... almost. ;)

They have really got a knack for creativity and creating beauty.

However, the other side of this is that they feel the need to be physically "perfect." In Korea, there is one standard for beauty: thin faces, big eyes, defined chins and cheek bones and noses, and a thin body. If you don't look like that, you're ugly and you need plastic surgery. 

Plastic surgery is huge over here... many parents pay for plastic surgery for their kids as a gift when they graduate from high school. Most people in America try to hide it if they get plastic surgery, but here it's pretty normal and people don't even try to hide it anymore. No one thinks it's wrong. 

I taught on Identity this past week, and it was interesting to hear feedback from the kids. One of the main points I make in the teaching is that our identity doesn't come from what we look like. Our worth doesn't come from our appearance. God created us with care and fashioned us individually, and He doesn't make mistakes... So how does that affect our thoughts about our appearance? What about plastic surgery? 

We asked God to come and give us new perspective, and it was so amazing to hear what He had to say to each individual student and it was encouraging to actually see the difference in how students carried themselves once they had a revelation of how God sees them and an understanding of their value apart from what they look like, what they do, what they have, their mistakes, etc. 

That despite all of these things (or lack of these things), the God of the universe loved them enough to freely give that which was most dear to Him: His only Son. 

What a mighty God we serve! He is so loving and kind!

And I am so blessed and encouraged each day as I get to see Him work in my own life and in the lives of others. What a privilege! :)

This is Kristin. Isn't she beautiful??
When she first came to the camp, she would barely look anyone in the eye. Her hair always covered at least half of her face, and she almost never smiled.
She has grown up hearing that she is ugly, stupid, and will never amount to anything.
This past week I had the opportunity to tell her everyday that she is beautiful, created with great care, and has incredible value.
In the grand scheme of things, it seems like a really small thing. But God has specific plans for the little girl's life, and it begins with her gaining an understanding of her value. That she really does matter, and she is not forgotten. She is not "less than." She is a daughter of the King!
By the end of the camp, Kristin was laughing and smiling with all of us. She had her hair out of her face, and she even walked differently. When I would tell her she is beautiful, she finally said "Thank you" instead of "No, I am very ugly."
God has begun such a work in her heart and her mind! Praise Jesus!

Please pray that this would continue! Pray that God would continue to meet Kristin while she's at home, and that as we continue God's work in Korea, He would be faithful to meet with His kids and change their hearts and minds.

Thanks guys! Love y'all! :)