Dancing

"I know that you [God] are teaching me to have hope in waiting… not to become bitter or cynical or to give up. But to overcome my feelings and insecurities, trust You, and continue to be faith-filled by every word from You. To trust that You’ve gone before and made a way…” – Journal Entry, Oct. 29, 2013

“To You, oh Lord I lift my soul. God in Whom I trust, let me not be ashamed. No one who waits for the Lord will ever be put to shame…” – “You Are My Hope” by Cory Asbury

“Dancing on the enemy’s plans… not a vicious thing or a harsh/fighting thing. But a light, free, graceful thing. Dancing above that which seeks my ill. Unaffected, unhindered… airy, light, delicate. Full of hope, knowing my Victorious Warrior.” – Journal Entry, Nov. 4, 2013

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Hope is such a weird thing. It's the strange tension between knowing something will/could happen and being so excited about it, but not seeing it right now...

I think for most of my life, I've been afraid of hope. It's too messy... too uncertain. I much prefer to work with facts, schedules, plans, certainties...
And I'm sure that all of us have hoped for something with such confidence, and been really disappointed.
So, if I never hope, I'll never be disappointed... right?

But if I never hope, I'll never really live.
Hope is what keeps our hearts alive...

So in this season of my life, I realized this hope (completely unbidden) was fighting its way into my heart... And I was thinking, "God! I don't want to hope for that. If you want to give that to me, fine. But I'm not going to hope for it."

"....why not? Do you trust me?"

God had been speaking to me about this specific thing for years before this, and I had been disappointed, confused, frustrated, and tired with the whole thing at that point...
Feeling like maybe I missed it, or maybe I was wrong.
And I thought that maybe I could keep myself safe from further disappointment if I just pushed hope out of my heart. 

And one day I realized I was completely cynical and still struggling with trusting God or other people. And it's all intertwined.... When I decided to choke hope out in yet another area, I was deadening and callousing the part of my heart that knows I can have hope because of Who God is. The part that can be childlike, trusting, full of wonder... because hope is seeing beyond current circumstances.
It requires bursting imagination and pliable trust.
It's the part that opens to see other people for what they could be: children of God, walking in wholeness and loving God.
And if I didn't choose to nurture this stubborn hope, did I really trust God?

And I was really struggling, feeling burdened at the thought of carrying around this hope, knowing I was opening my heart for possible disappointment. But as I was praying, this picture came into my mind... I was dancing. Under my feet were these nasty creatures, trying to pull at me and grab my feet, but there was an invisible shield under me. And I was dancing like I had no idea they were there... not a worry in the world. The whole time, my gaze was fixed upward. I had this rush of emotion at that point. I just felt so safe and warm, completely cared for and secure.
I knew that God was fighting on my behalf, and I had no reason to worry or be burdened.

I was free to hope, because I knew Who was keeping my feet from harm.

Hope

I love love love the end of an old year and the beginning of a new one. Feels like an accomplishment somehow... Closure, with new possibilities and opportunities coming soon. 

I usually try to spend some time toward the end of the year digging thru my journal and remembering (in thorough detail...) what the year encompassed, what I've learned, and marveling at how my perspective has changed. 

This past year (well, 18 months...) God and I talked a lot about fear and hope. I felt like God had already done a lot in my heart to remove cynicism, fear, and deep hurts I held... and then He started to show me that there are still so many areas in my life that I feel hopeless, and I've allowed fear to rule my decisions, thoughts, and motives. 

It's almost like in a garden... There are certain plants that just take over. My mom had tiger lilies that just went crazy one summer and started choking out the rest of the plants in her gardens. I remember seeing her trim them back, even to the point of leaving just a few plants, but they always grew back with ferocity. It wasn't until she took out all of the plants and uprooted the bulbs that the rest of the garden was able to grow in, healthy and full. 

Fear works a lot like those tiger lilies. When God and I took a good hard look at my life and my heart, I began to realize there was this whole underground mess of tangled "Fear roots"... I had only ever noticed it when something would poke thru to the surface in different areas, but the truth was that I had allowed fear to sneak in and stealthily influence so much of my life!! 

It's actually kind of funny how shocked I was, realizing that. I don't generally think of myself as a fearful person... I speak my mind most of the time, I don't shy away from public speaking, I enjoy people (most of the time)... 

But the thing about deception is that it's sneaky. If it was obvious, it wouldn't be a problem. (Duh! right? haha...). 

And so began (and still continues) some serious gardening... :)

So! To begin this year, I will be reviewing snippets from the past 18 months or so. Combing thru my journal has been such a powerful time of remembering for me, and I'm hoping that it'll be somewhat of a window into my life (for friends/family/etc. who are far away). I've also been learning the beauty, freedom, and strength to be found in being transparent. We're all living life trying to figure out how to love and be loved, and, while I'm not even close to having everything figured out, I am learning so much along the way that I'm excited to share! :)

And who knows!? Maybe this will be the beginning of consistent blogging from yours truly... :) It's worth a shot!