Home Coming.. *warning, it's a long one*

Hello Friends!

I'm back in the good old US of A. Glad to be sleeping in my own bed, making my own breakfast, drinking milk, driving my car, understanding street signs, breathing fresh air...

It's good to be home. :)

This may have been the most challenging trip I've been on so far, but not for the normal "outreach" reasons (comfort, relational issues, etc.). I think this past year, God has been stretching me and teaching me not to idolize my own comfort... which has been awesome and terrible. I'm still learning so much about sacrifice, but it's funny how kind God is... He teaches us a little at a time. Lately, comfort has not been my focus. I've been learning about living from the heart and relying on His grace. I want to speak a little into living from the heart.

I used to read passages like Galatians 5 (the fruit of the Spirit) and think, "I need to work on being loving/joyful/peaceful/patient/kind/good/gentle/faithful/self-controlled." And I would pick one thing to work on for that week, another to work on for the next week, etc.

And I couldn't stay consistent with any of them!!

Talk about insanity.

So during the first SST camp in South Korea, I was drawn to Galatians 5.
Verse 1: "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
Enter Holy Spirit revelation [<<<<This is my favorite part about reading the Bible!!!!!]:
Jesus already did everything that was necessary for me to live in freedom. It is finished!
My responsibility is to *decide* to walk in that victory. It's my job to protect that victory. It's my choice to dance in the light of that victory or to stay in my closet of fear.

Enter my dilemma:
If the beginning of this chapter says Jesus set me free for freedom, then what am I to do with the rest of the chapter?
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
Remember, I've tried to be diligent in all of these things and failed miserably. I've worked and stressed myself out and tried and failed to maintain each of these... feeling very burdened.
That doesn't sound like freedom...

However!!!

In between, we read about being led by the Spirit.
The next word to jump out at me was "fruit."

Enter the epiphany:
Fruit is something that grows.

TAADAAAA!!!!  genius, right? ;)

Fruit is not something that we can just ask for and receive. It's not something we can work at. It's not something someone else can give us.

The fruit that comes from our lives:
- Comes from within: It's the internal (good or bad) coming out for everyone to see. It's an external representation of the internal reality. Basically, exposes what's inside.
- Takes time: Fruit doesn't grow overnight.

Enter the application to my life:
I have been trying to fix all of these things EXTERNALLY. I have been trying to "manipulate" fruit/create fruit without dealing with my heart. Fruit naturally comes from within, so I should be more worried about the INTERNAL - my heart - if I want to see the external change for longer than a few days.

So that's a lot less stressful. Living from the inside out, instead of constantly trying to fix the outside.

Enter the conclusion:
All this to say, I am not perfect, but I am okay with that. I don't plan to sit on imperfection; neither do I plan to stress myself out trying to look like I have it all together.
I don't think God's plan for our lives is that we would look like we have it all together when we don't.

So I am in a process, but I am at rest in that process. And I'm really thankful to finally be at rest. :)